So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Randomize
