Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
