I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
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