here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
We got so high we made milksteak
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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