I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
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