I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
