I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Holy sore nipples Batman
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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