You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
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