at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
