This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
