I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
