why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
