she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
19 Cringe-worthy Bachelorette Party Texts
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
The 23 Worst Things That Have Happened After a One Night Stand
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.