There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
