i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
