I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Is it penis luge time yet?
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
