That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
false alarm, still single
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