Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
