It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
