I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
