After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
