Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
