I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
