I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
