My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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