I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Randomize
