i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize