You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
