my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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