you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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