god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Randomize
