ya dads aren't the best wingmen
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
