I puked a lego.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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