He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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