Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Randomize
