i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
what day is it and did you see me today?
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
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