so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
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If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
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you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
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