Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
