You're my favorite asian/girl I've met here.
You're ridiculous
Your hot
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Randomize
