Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
