Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I think my fart just growled at me.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
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You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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