I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
