I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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