He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
