I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
