Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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