How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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