fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
