sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
