I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
