Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
