Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
