i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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