and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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