I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Randomize
