If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Randomize
