dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
