Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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