I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Randomize
